THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 10-11-04

POTENT PRESERVATION POTABLES

          An old house dweller (OHD) has many tools in the household kit; vise-grips, duct tape and WD-40 are always within easy reach at my house. If it moves, and it shouldn’t, use duct tape. If it should move and doesn’t, you’ve got WD-40. And almost everything else can be crimped, loosened, tightened or whacked with a pair of regular-duty vise-grips.

And no old-house-dweller worth their salt would be without the necessary tool kit for internal adjustments; I refer, of course, to a well-stocked liquor cabinet. All suggestions are for après labor, of course.

          Got a water heater to replace? Or a refrigerator with which you’d like to decorate your porch?? Beer and sangria are the professionals’ choice for such a task. Easy on the brain, no falling down. I recommend Rolling Rock and Yago.

          Up on ladders? Using power tools? Stay off the booze, friends, until you stop. Then a nice vodka and tonic in summer or hot buttered rum in winter can round out the day. Don’t waste the Belvedere on mixed drinks, though; stick with Gilbey’s.

          Just bought yourself an old house? You fool. Take a few slugs of cheap whiskey, because you won’t be able to afford anything else for the next decade or two.

          Just sold your old house for a profit? Congratulate yourself with a bottle of Moet and Chandon champagne. If you plan to buy a new, maintenance-free log cabin, buy a case.

          For nasty plumbing problems that require crawling around in the sewage that leaked out your water closet drain, only tequila will take that taste away. I just love the quaint term “water closet,” don’t you? It brings up visions of turn-of the-century hotels with Brett Maverick in the bar downstairs. Drinking Don Eduardo anejo, no doubt.

          For masonry problems, especially those that cause your home to slide downhill, the fashionable OHD turns to gin martinis. Just one word; Beefeater.

          Need a new roof? An entire rewiring in order? Building inspector sent you a fax that’s on its eighteenth page? The hell with it. Absinthe is the drink for you. A little wormwood goes a long way!