This appeared in the Lovely County Citizen of Eureka Springs Arkansas way back when I was crazy enough to live there. It proves that on many occasions, I had no idea what to write about ("About what to write!!!" E.B White screamed while turning in his grave).

THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 11-29-04

ASK DR. SMARTYPANTS

          I figure its time to impart some really useful information on electricity, such as the fact that you can make a balloon stick to just about anything by rubbing it on your hair first. Except cacti. It’s also an excellent way to collect unused dandruff for charity.

          This is due to static electricity, which is prevalent now due to sunspots and the spinning of Atlantis or some other hippie diatribe based on psychoactive substances. My point is you should not dig around in your computer to change modems or sound cards before making sure you previously discharged the static electricity you gathered walking across the carpet. This can be done by touching your dog or spouse. Computers are very sensitive to even the slightest change (such as breathing in the same room), so make sure you shock someone else before touching the machine.

          “Chewing wintergreen Lifesavers in a dark room produces green sparks in your teeth.” I’m sure most of you old hipsters heard of this while reading Tom Robbins’ “Another Roadside Attraction.” I know I did, man. Heh heh. The shocking fact is that YOU CAN DO THIS WITH ANY HARD CANDY CONTAINING SUGAR. Don’t ask me how it works, just stay away from the gas pumps while doing it.

          “You can die from a lightning strike that comes through your phone lines.” This is true; though phone lines carry a miniscule amount of electricity (about one sixteenth of a leper-groot), they can indeed transmit a huge amount of leper-groots when struck by lightning, so use the cordless when it thunders. I am not making this up. Well, okay, the leper-groot bit I did.

          “You are protected from lightning while in your car.” This is basically true, at least for me. I have twice been hit by lightning while driving, and all it did was fry the electrical harness in my 1970 Chevy Van. The same bolt hit four other cars simultaneously and they all drove away. It probably has something to do with the tires. Send your questions to “Ask Dr. Smartypants” and I’ll do my best to avoid them.