I thought that I'd do an update that was promised to my readers in 2004. Shut up, it only took me nine years. The update is the colulumn that follows this one. It tells you how to keep bats out of your attic once they're already up there. Read this, then the following arktickle to learn how. Cretins.

THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 12-13-04

 

YOUR BATS!

 

Dear Old House Doctor,

While doing my annual home winterizing this week, I noticed a spot under my eave with black smudges that weren’t there last year. Looking closer, I saw a piece of trim had dropped off and there was a gap between the boards. Is my house leaking some warm air out? What could be causing the black smudges?

                                                  Signed

                                        Worried on Wall Street

Dear Worried,

          Not seeing your problem firsthand, I can only guess what condition you’re suffering from (AAAAUUUGGGHH! A preposition at the end of a sentence! That it something up with which I shall not put!). But I don’t think you’ve got anything coming out of your house. I imagine something is getting in.

          If it’s squirrels, you’re doomed. They are nearly impossible to evict. But I imagine you have bats.

          This is the time of year that bats hibernate, and old houses are a favorite roost. With spaces in the woodwork and separations in the joinery, they will take up winter residence in numbers ranging from two to two million. There they will sleep and dream their little batty dreams until the temperature warms, then they’ll either decide they like it or move on. Most move on in spring, but if they stay, they will likely raise little bats and might even invite some friends to share the space.

          It is not only imperative that you do not disturb them in winter, it is also illegal. The Bat Police will come and take you away to Bat Jail, and you’ll have to share your cell with others like yourself, which is perty scary if you think about it.

The bats are doing no harm in winter, and if you disturb them they will likely die form exposure. They’re in suspended animation and will not recover easily enough to find another roost.

When spring comes, they should be allowed to wake naturally, flit forth at sundown, and then you can plug up their hole to keep them out. There are other alternatives to this, though, and I’ll talk about them next time.

This was an offering to glen Schwartz and The Emerald City of the South. If you've read many of these colulumns, you'll notice that I do tend to harp on certain subjects, mostly about how you should KEEP UP YOUR FUCKING HOUSE FOR CHRISSAKES. This is one of my House Invaders arktickles. And perty short for ECOS. I had moved out to Roland, a rural burg thirty miles west of the Downtown of Little Rock, and so this thing lends towards country.




THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 3-14-13

 

INVASION OF THE OLD HOUSE SNATCHERS

 

So the winter has hung on longer than usual. So you still sleep until eleven because the sun doesn't come up until then. So you have a bag of ice-melt sitting by your front door even though the daffodils have already died off.

Spring, believe it or not, is here, and baby, it's gonna be a big one.

How does the Ol' Doc know? Because I lives in the country and have intimate knowledge with all those invasive things that are headed your way when the weather truly turns warm.

And juss whut duz ah know?

To start with, the skunks got active early, despite the cold. They are coming around right now looking to fatten up on bugs and grubs and roots because they is hongry after having slept all winter. There are more than I've ever seen this year, and we out in Roland are having a time with them. DO NOT try and trap them; they will spray you. If they take up residence under your house, they are a pain to get out, so make sure there's no place for them to get in. The same goes for raccoons. NOW is the time to repair your foundation holes. While you're at it, open your foundation vents. Whut, yew ain't got no foundation vents? No wonder you got critters.

Birds are beginning to make nests, and the ones you need to be concerned about are starlings. These corvids (related to crows and ravens, you dolt) are extremely fecund (have lots of babies), nest the same places from year to year (don't let them get started), make a ton of noise, and stink up the attic or eaves something fierce. They also raid other birds' nests to kill their babies and eat their aigs. Remove them now or they'll bring up a brood in your eaves.

We in Roland are plagued by fire ants (far aints to yew Arkies), and they are about to explode throughout the county. Grits and corn meal are old wives' tale cures that don't work, and Orthene is a terrible poison that can't be used in a vegetable garden. Putting pure orange oil on the mound is supposed to help, but Rolanders are country folk and use two methods SEPARATELY. One is to build a fire directly over the mound (after clearing dry grass and burnables, of course) and keep it going for a day, but the most used method is plain old gasoline. I'm sure it is not environmentally friendly, but it does kill them dead, and I doubt it's worse than Orthene. DO NOT LIGHT THE GASOLINE! Actually, don't lissen to me at all; I'm just a pack of cards.

Piss aints will make their way into your kitchen, and Terro is a biodegradable product that will attract them, then kill them day-id. Put a drop onto your counter by the backsplash and watch the fun. I think I tole you about that stuff last year in my colulumn "F#$#$@! Bugs and Why You Should Be Happy to Kill Them," which my editor changed the name of for some reason.

Warm weather brings human pests like burglars and thieves, so get yourself a pound pup and they'll leave you alone. Get two and they'll be easier to bring up, more entertaining, and better guards. I do not recommend putting 3-inch drywall screws through the top rail of your privacy fence, though. Liability issues can make this messy. You didn't hear that here, y'hear? Here here.

The bats in your attic are going to be waking up soon, and you want them to fly away and not come back to the attic. Look for dirty marks near the eaves and gable where they've been wriggling their little batty bodies in through the cracks. They've been hibernating all winter and will soon emerge to gorge on mosquitoes. Be glad they're around, but do two fun things to keep safe and help them at the same time. Find some light plastic netting with fine mesh (no more than 3/16"; the type of mesh you want is similar to onion bags at the grocery store) and tack it up around their dirty little exit/entry. Tack it loosely with the bottom open, but not so that the opening flaps around. When they exit, they won't be able to get back in. The second thing to do is to install a bat house nearby. If you have access to fresh guano (bat poop, and if you have bats in your attic, there's poop there, too), rub some on the bat house entry (I told you this would be fun!). This will attract them and they will hang out and eat mosquitoes forever. If you do come in contact with bat poop, wear a facemask or respirator and use gloves. It's not good to breathe and your hands will smell for years.

Go back in time to read my "Them What Stings" arktickle to brush up on your bug problems; I won't repeat them here.

Some of the most undesirable invaders to the old house are flora, not fauna. Climbing vines such as English Ivy, Carolina Creeper, and trumpet vines may look pretty, but they hold moisture against your house and promote wood rot (they kill trees, too). The dreaded wisteria, despite it's sweet-smelling  bunches of blue flowers, is a real threat. Think "Day of the Triffids" here, or if you're an old Genesis fan, "The Return of the Giant Hogweed." You must truly be an old stoner if you remember their album "Nursery Cryme." A great performance of the song can be found on YouTube.

Back to wisteria. Wisteria grows so fast and is so powerful that it will actually grow under your trim and siding and will lift, tear, and pull it off (oh my!). If you have this stuff, cut it back and keep it on a pergola away from the house. At least trim it back from the eaves or brick monthly. I have seen it destroy a brick veneer in one summer.

Another plant to watch out for is the Empress Tree, which my brother sometimes refers to a s a kluckalucka. Yeah, well, he's a Nartist. Go by Galley 360 at 900 South Rodney Parham and you'll see. They may actually be two different trees; the Empress has opposite leaves and stinky white flowers and the kluckalucka may be a young catalpa. They're very sneaky trees; sometimes it's hard to tell just what they are. The catalpa's leaves are huge elephant-ear looking things and the wood grows at a rate of about a foot a week (I'm not kidding). Both of these trees need to be kept from growing near your foundation, as do all trees. They'll heave it and break the brick and then where will you be? Living in a cardboard box, sniffing Tootsie Roll wrappers and agreeing with Paulie Ryan that the rich need to eat the poor to absorb their power and become all-powerful. It's a sad cycle. Soon you'll become an Arkansas congersman and pass bills outlawing women, minorities, and progressive thinking.

So there you have it. Skonks, birruds, aints, and Triffids. Then Paulie Ryan. Finally becoming a Hillbilly legislator. It all leads to disaster.

Better get started before it's too late. I need a drink. Want to buy me one? Do so at king.oldhousedoctor@gmail.com.

Then go to my blogs and all will despair!!!

architecturalvestiges.blogspot.com and oldhousedoctor.blogspot.com

Yippie tie one on!