PAINTING 101

This is a re-post of my latest colulumn, widely read in The Emerald City of the South, a local paper of wished-for ill repute in Little Rock. As I wrote the article in May, when "pools of slimy water" were rife in the state, the lead in the actual paper is a bit, well, misleading. I've re-written it here, so if you are confused, blame the bong, not me. If my editor Glen Schwartz would read his e-mails (or if I sent them before his somewhat arbitrary deadline), it would read like this.
Howdy Glen!

Ah, the days of heat and dry weather are upon us again. And though the daily drenching of spring is far behind us, I’m sure that you’re missing the daily drenching, the pools of slimy water, and the relatively cool 85-degree days. This is, however, a primer on what to do to spruce up the old homestead now that the sun has come out again. To burn you to a small, black cinder.
Now, I understand that most of you are drooling morons, with no more idea of what to do to keep up your most significant investment than how to breed stem cells. But someone has to look after you while quietly laughing behind your back. That person, is, of course, Joe Biden.
No no no! Just kidding! Joe Biden has no idea how to keep up a house, either. He’s been a politician for hundreds of years, and so he DELEGATES people to paint his house. If he was to pick up a paint brush, he’d be just as useless as you. Except that he’s vice president, of course. That should count for something.
So here I am to teach you how to do the only thing that most homeowners are qualified to do, and that is PAINT. Oh, I know. You know how to use a plunger, and the fact that you learned about the disposal’s reset button makes you think you’re as educated as Bob Vila. Trust me, Bob Vila has nothing on you, other than a huge bank account and more need to delegate than Joe Biden. He’s a snake-oil salesman, people. He has less of an idea how to actually perform repairs on an old house than you. Don’t listen to him; listen to me. I’m going to give you a basic education in painting the outside of your house.
For starters, DON’T PAINT UNPAINTED BRICK. All that does is inform people smarter than you that you’re more of a maroon than they thought before. Brick is porous and must remain so. This colulumn concerns WOOD houses. I’ll teach you about brick later.
Painting is a mixture of two tasks; preparation and application. Preparation of your surface takes the most effort and time, and if not done properly, your paint job will not last, so listen up, and do this stuff in the order I’m telling you.
SCRAPE your flaking paint with a CARBIDE scraper. This little beauty will cost you about twelve bucks, will never dull (as opposed to steel scrapers that dull merely on exposure to air), and you will thank me for this advice later. Catch your flakes on a tarp or dropcloth and throw them in the trash. These flakes contain lead which will penetrate the ground and create a layer that your dogs will find, dig up, and eat. Then they will die a horrible, painful death. I know I joke around here, but I’m not making this up, people. It happened to mine because my house’s former owners didn’t catch the flakes.
SAND your wood with 60 or 80 grit PRODUCTION PAPER. This type of sandpaper is tan (as opposed to red garnet paper) and will last longest. If you have a lot of sanding to do (and you do, don’t you, precious?), invest in a ¼ sheet electric sander, preferably Makita. It’s the best fifty bucks you’ll spend until your dealer has his autumn harvest overstock sale, you old stoner, you.
WASH your now-sanded wood with a DAMP (not wet) cloth to remove the dust. Dust, moisture and sunlight are the archenemies of paint.
WORK one side at a time, preferably small areas. The longer you leave your naked wood exposed (oh my!), the less likely it will hold paint.
PRIME your wood with one THIN coat of high-quality oil-based primer. DO NOT USE LATEX PRIMERS!!! Even if you use cheap paint (don’t), it will last longer with good primer. I prefer Benjamin Moore “Fresh Start.” You should have it tinted to the same color as your paint. ALWAYS PRIME BEFORE CAULKING!
CAULK your wood spaces anywhere water might penetrate with Dap “Alex Plus” siliconized acrylic caulk. It stretches and moves with your wood better than Painter’s Caulk. Once you apply a thin bead, WORK it with your finger, WET it with a SMALL amount of WATER, and WORK it again to SMOOTH it out. And stop using so many CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis, for chrissakes. It makes you sound like a junior-high health teacher that normally teaches shop. You had one of those too, eh?
CHECK your wood surfaces to see if the primer raised any grain; if it seems rough or hairy (yikes!) rub some 100-grit sandpaper over it LIGHTLY to smooth the surface. If primer comes off, prime it again where it does.
PAINT with high-quality EXTERIOR latex paint. The higher gloss the paint, the longer it will last, but the more surface discrepancies will show. I prefer Benjamin Moore “Mooreglo” soft-gloss. Buy it in 5-gallon buckets or mix your gallons together before applying to assure even color. Apply it in TWO thin coats, and don’t spray it. Spraying may seem to be a time-saver, but the action of pressing the paint against the wood will give you a longer-lasting paint job. If you MUST save time, apply the paint with a small roller and brush it out. DON’T APPLY IT TOO THICK! It will bubble and fail, just like you did in high school calculus. And don’t paint in direct sunlight; it dries the surface of the paint too quickly, trapping still-wet paint beneath. Bubble and fail, bubble and fail.
BUY good brushes and good rollers for the task (alright, you should have done this before #5). Cheap rollers shed fibers and you can’t possibly paint a straight line without a good brush. I prefer Purdy “Nylox” for latex and Purdy white China Bristle for oil-based paint. Wash them thoroughly each day with warm water (Nylox) and mineral spirits (China Bristle). Use a paint comb to clean them thoroughly, and let them air-dry after cloth-drying them, preferably with the covers OFF, then put the covers ON. That way they’ll maintain their shape. At twenty-three bucks a brush, you'll want to maintain them. Full-sized roller naps can be cut down to fit small roller frames. Get good ones, now! Purdy, again, makes the best.
DRINK a few beers when you finish. It’ll get that primer taste out of your mouth.
WRITE me back at this blog or at king.oldhousedoctor@gmail.com with any questions regarding your old house. Maybe you’ll be made famous in this widely-read colulumn or blog. Then again, maybe the authorities will finally be able to track you down.
HIDE in the attic when you see the blue lights outside.

Toodle pipski! See you on the other side!