QUICK FIXES FOR THE CHEAPSKATE

originally published 7-29-05

Dear Old House Doctor,
While hiding behind my house to see who was parked illegally, I noticed that the wood trim around my windows had separated at the corner joints. It’s only been five years since my painter charged me eight hundred dollars to paint my trim. Should I sue?
Signed
Worried on Hillside

Dear Worried,
My my. Suing a painter for wood movement five years after the fact is like blaming George the Lesser for doing what Karl Rove tells him to; it’s to be expected.
Wood is a porous substance, and it shrinks and swells with the weather, usually moving radially (it moves sideways). The hot temperatures in summer cause shrinkage through moisture loss, and this is most noticeable at exterior wood joints. It goes without saying that after five years, this is likely. Then, you ask, why did I say it? Because this paper pays me a lot of money for such witticisms. Ha Ha! Just kidding! They don't pay me anything. In fact, I owe the editor BIGTIME, so she roped me into this crappy little... oh, sorry! Didn't know you were listening.
The next time you’re playing Gladys Kravits, put down your telescope and pick up a caulk gun. Using Dap’s “Alex Plus” (it’s a latex caulk with silicone for added elasticity), caulk the cracks and work it in with a wet finger (oh my!), smoothing as you go. After drying, paint the corners with an oil-based primer and touch it up with new paint.
Now, at this point, you’ll notice your new paint looks brighter than the surrounding trim. This might be caused by the cheap paint you insisted on using (see if you can sue your parents for your upbringing), or your trim might be dirty (sue God: She could use a good laugh and has extra thunderbolts lying around for twits like you). If dirt is the culprit, I have a weird remedy.
Simply rub your hand over the dirty parts of the trim and rub it onto the new paint after it cures. It’s weird, but it works.
And if there was really justice in this world, you can hire Karl to do the job after he’s fired. But he’ll likely charge you more than eight hundred dollars.