THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 6-21-11

FUCKING BUGS AND WHY YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TO KILL THEM PART TWO

“THEM WHAT STINGS”

I just can’t get enough bugs in my life, yaknowwhattamean, Vern?

Well, the bugs must think that, because they just won’t leave me alone.

Now I know that TRUE bugs are actually an entomological term, and they are actually different than wasps, dragonflies, and Mitt Romney. Okay, scratch that last one. And add Michelle Bachman to the list. Since she claims that carbon dioxide is such a harmless gas I figure that wrapping her in a plastic bag can only be good for the nation. We just have to make sure we don’t harm her antennae; she needs to sense every minute of the experience so she can tell us all about it in her next misinformational press conference.

So back off, bug scientists; this is MY column.

One of the banes of old house dwellers is that old houses present many places for stinging insects to nest. Since I’m still on my bug kick from last time, I shall continue.

Let’s talk about wasps.

Paper wasps come in a variety of colors, and all will sting you if you disturb them. Wasps and hornets have smooth stingers that can be used again and again, as opposed to the honeybee, which has a barbed stinger. This means that when a honeybee stings you, half its entrails are left behind along with the stinger. The bee goes off and dies, which is unfortunate. Bees are cool; don’t kill them. They eat nectar and make honey and little bees. Without them, you will die. Farms cannot function, flowering plants will not propagate. Pray for the world’s domestic bees, for they are in grave danger from apiary fungus and the invasion of imported, aggressive species that kill domestic hives and do not pollinate as prolifically.

Paper wasps, though, are aggressive and will attack you en masse. The red ones make small nests with up to five or six members of the colony, but the yellow striped variety make much larger nests and will defend their territory until you run away screaming with hundreds constantly stinging you.

If you have a red wasp nest, avoid it. If the wasps are striped with yellow, hire someone to destroy it, or you will be sorry.

         

      I nearly put my face into this nest on Arch Street. It was a dark morning.

Paper wasps, bad as they are, are the impotent little brother of the yellowjacket. Yellowjackets are hornets, and come in two varieties. There are those that live in the ground and those that live in wall cavities; the wall-cavity dwellers are referred to as European Hornets. Both will be happy to kill you.

More yellowjacket attacks happen because of lawnmowers disturbing the nest than for any other reason. They issue forth in a huge cloud and sting the hell out of anything warm-blooded; if it’s you, you are doomed. They fly at forty miles per hour, can constantly sting every second, and will follow you for a quarter mile to make their point. If you find a nest, call a professional; if you are stupid and brave, pour gasoline down it. Do not do this, really. They often have more than one entrance to the nest.

I am allergic to yellowjackets; five stings from a red wasp attack leaves me hurting, but three from yellowjackets is my limit before a hospital visit. If you are allergic, get your doctor to prescribe an epi-pen, and keep it with you. This is a one-time emergency syringe with enough steroids to keep your throat from closing after you’re stung, which is a handy thing, I can tell you. Stab your thigh right through your clothes, and hopefully you won’t die from anaphylactic shock.

Other ground-dwelling waspids to avoid (seriously, do NOT disturb or bother these, as they are non-aggressive but have extremely painful stings) are the cicada killer and the tarantula hawk. The cicada killer resembles a huge hornet, and the tarantula hawk is a large black wasp with red or orange wings. The cicada killer grows up to three inches long and the Arkansas variety of tarantula hawk seldom tops an inch and a half. Both dig an L-shaped tunnel and then go in search of large prey such as spiders and small dogs.

I have seen cicada killers two and a half inches long, clumsily flying back to their nest with a poor drugged locust. They will stuff their stunned prey into the tunnel, lay an egg in it, and go off to die. The young wasp wakes surrounded by food, and after eating their host alive a little at a time, emerges as a full-grown three inch wasp. This is a real-life “Alien.”

Have respect; leave them alone.

                    How many times do I need to tell you? LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!

If you have a bees’ nest in your home, I pity you. Wild bees are wonderful in trees in the wild, but a nuisance in the home, and are unlikely to be charmed into leaving. In fact, because of the apiary fungus spreading through domestic hives in the U.S.A., the rule is to kill the wild hive to staunch the spread of this very harmful condition. If you have a nest in your walls, the moisture from it will eventually dissolve the interior wall of your home, and they will come in for a visit.

Sorry, bees. I love you, but you need to go, and that usually means death if you nest in my house.

Individual bees should be left alone. They are your friends.

Bumblebees are not as goofy as you might think. Despite the fact that physicists keep telling them that their wings are too puny to allow them to fly (I’m not making this up), they do it anyway because they can’t read. They will live in any cavity that will allow them access, and if you disturb their nest, one will bumble around in front of you, lulling you into a sense of security. Meanwhile six more will sting your neck from behind. Leave them alone.

I grew up in Texas, where the centipedes grow to twelve inches and have two-inch stingers on their butts. Sporting orange legs and dark red bodies, I’m not sure why I avoided them; they’re just so darn cute. My point is that in Arkansas, even little centipedes can sting. Stomp them into centipaste if they invade your territory, otherwise let them go about their evil little business.

Scorpions are rife anywhere rock cavities occur; they like dry, cool places. I had a cabin in the Ozarks that apparently had an upside-down dance floor for these guys above my bed, because that’s where they’d perform. Kill them. They have very painful stings similar to hornets, and will hit you with that tail as many times as they can before they drop off the bed and crawl beneath it. Kill them as soon as you see them. The smaller and more transparent they are, the more wallop they pack. KILL THEM!!

Mud daubers, believe it or not, have a very powerful sting, but are so non-aggressive that most people think they don’t sting. Yes, they do. Leave them alone or whap them if they infest your shop. Just stand and listen for their buzzing while they go about their business in their nest; you’ll hear them.

Carpenter bees are solitary bumblebees that bore small round holes in wood, then fly about to guard their hole. They are not dangerous, though they can sting. I have several at my house, and they are pure entertainment. Leave ‘em be.

Fire ants must be destroyed. My country neighbors pour gasoline in their mounds, and I don’t know if that’s any more harmful to the environment than using the expensive toxins made for that purpose. I HATE them and kill them any way I can. I leave the big red ants alone; they don’t seem to bother me.

Speaking of ants, if you come across a big hairy ant with red and black fur, leave it alone! It is a velvet ant, a type of wasp. It means no harm to you, but it will sting you if you bother it. Observe it and learn how to get along with your environment.

Funny how I started out this colulumn killing everything, but as soon as I got to the stinging, dangerous bugs, I tell you to leave many of them alone.

Hey, there’s still Ron Paul, though he seems to keep his other two appendages hidden. I always thought he was that crossdresser with the TeeVee shows. Go figure.

Bitch at me at king.oldhousedoctor@gmail.com. Then go eat a bug.