THE OLD HOUSE DOCTOR 11-24-02

TRIX OLD AND NEW

          People who have worked on (or lived in) old houses have seen a lot of tricks to make the hideous appear, well, less hideous. Just look around YOUR old house. Do you have flattened tin cans nailed over holes in the floor? Of course you do, and some of you are darn proud of it. Ever pulled off a piece of trim to find ancient newspapers filling the void behind it? I have. ‘Insulation of the worst sort, it is’, as Yoda would croak. It might keep out the “draffs”, but it feeds the termites and mices. Steel wool, chewing gum, wads of tape, all have been used to seal the cold wind out. Usually in a pinch, when you’re drinking coffee on a lazy Sunday morning and the cold wind inside your house just gets to be too much.

          I have found toothpaste filling wall holes (this is one you renters [and yes, you too, Barbara]) have used for years. Works great on white walls. Just don’t try it with the blue or red stuff. I’ve personally used corks to fill round holes in floors, and will readily attest to its efficacy. I can’t tell you how often I’ve found scraps of glass covering window holes, artfully attached with scotch tape.

          Most people would patch cracks and voids in plaster with setting-type joint compound, followed by paper tape and drywall mud. Floated to a thin line, of course. Many, though, would rather stick a piece of duct tape over the crack, and, if they were feeling especially energetic, splash some paint on top of it. Hopefully it matches. It’s not exactly the kind of repair I would make, but I don’t care what you do. It looks good from my house. And makes for a good laugh later on.

          There are lines that, when crossed, make things go awry. Use just any old chunk of scrap wood to shim that porch joist, and you may pay for it with a swayed floor. Use pressure treated wood for any foundation-to-structure shim. Filling old mortar joints with “Quickcrete” might work for a while, but the hard mortar might very well cause the softer brick to flake and crack as the years go by. Then where would you be? Probably hiding in your ramshackle house, watching reruns of “Love Boat” and sucking the filling from maple doughnuts while you take down license numbers of illegally parked cars.

          Oh, yes, precious. You KNOW who you are. And so does everyone else.